Communicating with an Understanding of the Teen Brain

Brain science informs us how to best connect with and advise adolescents.  Understanding how the teen brain functions offers a solid foundation to effectively communicate with teens. It is especially useful knowledge during emotionally charged moments. 

‍

Emotional Brilliance and Reasoning Capacity

‍

Our ability to understand and relate to other humans enables us to remain safe from many potential dangers. We must know both how to connect with people to draw strength from one another and be able to quickly determine when another person is dangerous. This might explain why our emotional brain centers develop earlier than our rational, planning, or reasoning centers. In other words, it makes sense that we have to learn how to react and connect more urgently than we need to solidify our thinking capacities. 

‍

In fact, the emotional centers of the brain begin developing rapidly during early adolescence. This may explain tweens intense desire to connect with others. They are learning to read people and quickly respond to what they observe. At times, their ability to accurately interpret what they observe is not yet mature, and they may overreact to spoken or unspoken communication or over-read social cues.  This partially explains why adolescents can have both the high spirits we envy and the uncomfortable heightened emotions that can cause them distress. 

‍

The reasoning center of the brain, known as the prefrontal cortex, is also developing rapidly during adolescence but at a slower pace relative to the emotional centers. This part of the brain helps us plan, organize ourselves, and solve problems. It also helps us think through or interpret (and sometimes calm) our emotions. This part of our brain continues to catch up to the part that drives emotions but won’t be evenly matched until about age 25.  Knowing how to engage the prefrontal cortex, especially during stressful moments, is one of the keys to being able to effectively communicate with and guide your tween or teen.

‍

Brain Science Offers the Foundation for Effective Communication

‍

Once you know how to communicate effectively with your teen, you will be impressed by how rational and thoughtful they can be. Too often, people incorrectly believe teens are driven entirely by emotions and can’t be reasoned with. The key to elevating your teens thinking powers is to use calm communication strategies that prevent the reasoning centers from being flooded by emotional responses. This is described as using “cold communication” rather than “hot communication.”  

‍

When we use “cold communication,” we are stable, calm and thoughtful.  To be clear: cold communication should be emotionally warm and nurturing.  Our presence makes the teen feel safe.  We avoid creating a heightened emotional state.  When using “cold communication” you are activating your child’s rational brain.  In contrast, if you are angry or condescending, or even over-the-top emotionally exuberant yourself, you will be using “hot communication.”  This activates your teens emotional centers, and their feelings or reactivity may hijack the ability of their rational centers to operate effectively.   

‍

We must guide our teens in ways they can hear.  Adolescents understand and worry about risk. They want our wisdom and to be protected by us. By mid-adolescence, about the age of 16 (earlier for some) they can problem solve at nearly the same level as adults, if we can help them do so in calm settings. The problem is that their emotional centers are so well- developed that stress can easily activate them, thereby dominating – and essentially shutting down - their rational centers.  That may prevent emotionally-charged teens from being able to problem solve. This is not a problem unique to adolescents; stressful situations make it harder for people of any age to think when feeling unsafe or challenged. Adult thinking centers, however, are more firmly developed, and we can (usually, or at least often) tamp down our initial emotional responses. 

‍

‍

‍

Consider the following tips to help your teen best access their calm, thoughtful selves: 

‍

Be calm. Easier said than done, but nonetheless critical. If you are unable to be rational, give yourself space. Practice this line: “I need a bit of time to think this through. I’ll get back to you. We’ll get through this together.” This models how to regain composure. 

‍

Be sincere. Our tweens and teens possess an uncanny ability to read people. This is central to their building empathy and meaningful relationships. Their ability to do this is remarkable but is not yet fully mature. This means they sometimes over-read our body language or tone of voice. (Think: “Why are you raising your eyebrows!!!”) Work through your own thoughts before you offer guidance. Usually some deep breaths, time, and space will allow you to “de-catastrophize” a situation and approach it sincerely in a reassuring manner. 

‍

Don’t lecture. When a tween or teen is upset, it is hard for them to problem solve or imagine future consequences. When you launch into a lecture, your child will grasp your disappointment, understand your anger, and absorb your fear, but may miss the true message. Talk with them, not at them. Give them time to process what you are saying - a step at a time. 

‍

‍Be warm. Teens who are nurtured (i.e., KNOW without question that they are loved) develop better reasoning abilities and (over time) less reactive emotional centers.

‍

This piece is excerpted and adapted from Congrats You’re having a Teen! Strengthen Your Family and Raise a Good person by Dr. Ken Ginsburg.