Core Principles of Lighthouse Parenting

Lighthouse parenting is about balancing your love with your expectations and your
protection with your trust.

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Relationships rooted in Lighthouse Parenting enable you to
guide your child now, prepare them to navigate adolescence wisely and launch into
adulthood securely. It is the strength of the relationship you build now that will influence
your connection in decades to come.

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Some key points about strong families:

• Love must be seen as unconditional and unwavering. This doesn’t mean you like
  everything; it means you will always be there. An enduring connection is forged
  between people who can count on one another.
• We must know one another as few others could. Because we sometimes need to
  portray ourselves differently in various settings, we can lose our core identity.
  Someone with the knowledge of who we really are is irreplaceable.
• When family members support, comfort and guide each other they will turn to
  each other in joyous moments and find the strength to journey through life’s
  tougher moments.
• When emotions are attended to people rely on one another and take turns
  sharing their strength. When people feel genuinely seen and heard, our
  relationships offer the mutual reliance and sense of belonging in which humans
  thrive.
• We must support the growth that comes from recovery after temporary failures.
  When failure is seen as a learning opportunity, we needn’t hide when we most
  need one another.
• When a person feels guided or protected, they will seek input from others. If they
  feel controlled, they may distance themselves to maintain their independence.

Some key points about communicating with your child or teen:

• Don’t assume your child knows how much you care about them. Tell them.
• Be a parent not a friend. Friendships come and go in childhood and
  adolescence. Your relationship is stronger and more secure than any friendship.
  When you say “think of me as a friend” it doesn’t make your child more likely to
  talk. They may withhold information out of fear of losing you.
• The boundaries you set will be more closely followed when you discuss why you
  have them. Make it clear rules exist because you love them and are committed
  to their safety.
• Listen more than you talk. Knowing you are really listening helps children
  develop well-thought-out plans to earn your trust.
• See children as experts in their own lives. You have the wisdom of years, but
  they know best how they navigate their lives. When you see them as experts on
  themselves (and their friends, school, etc.), they’ll share more because they know they are seen as partners in developing the plans to keep them safe and
  position them to succeed.
• Share how you make decisions. This helps your child develop their own decision-
  making skills.

In choosing to be a Lighthouse parent, you are committing to create the setting in which
children and adolescents grow to be emotionally healthy and to have fewer behavioral
risks.

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I choose to be a Lighthouse parent. A stable force on the shoreline from which
my child can measure themself against. I’ll send my signals in a way they will
choose to trust. I’ll look down at the rocks to be sure they don’t crash against
them. I’ll look into the waves and trust they’ll learn to ride them, but I am
committed to prepare them to do so. I’ll remain a source of light they can seek
whenever they need a safe and secure return.

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I choose to be a Lighthouse Parent . . . A stable force on the shoreline . . .

Stability and Self-care

Self-care is not selfish; it is a strategic act of good parenting. You won’t be able to be a
stable force for your child unless the ground is solid under your own feet. Your well-
being allows you to remain emotionally available. Our children do not need us to be
problem-free or set our burdens aside. Instead, they need to know that when you get
overwhelmed, you have strategies to manage your problems or release your emotions
in a healthy way. This will send them the unspoken but clear message that they can add
something to your plate without fearing it will be more than you can handle.

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I choose to be a Lighthouse Parent . . . from which my child can measure
themself against.

Role Modelling

Our presence allows children to imagine what it means to be an adult. When you model
what it means to be a caring adult, who is considerate of how your actions affect others,
you allow your child to learn what a good person looks like. When you discuss how your
decisions are made, you paint them a vivid portrait of thoughtfulness. It is easier for our
children to imagine being real people with actual problems who are working hard
nonetheless to be good than it is to imagine being perfect. The best role models
possess an array of strengths and flaws. Knowing this, you can exhale.

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I choose to be a Lighthouse Parent. . . . I’ll send my signals in a way they will
choose to trust.

Clear Communication

The lighthouse communicates its power and protection through its presence. You may
not spontaneously know the “right” words to meet every challenge. Show up and stand
by your child. Then, listen to learn what your child needs. Ask whether your child wants
an embrace or an ear to work through their feelings. Ask if they want guidance or space
for a moment. When your child invites your active guidance, your words can then fill that
space. Your unwavering presence communicates clearly that your guidance can be
trusted.

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I choose to be a Lighthouse Parent. . . I’ll look down at the rocks to be sure they
don’t crash against them.

Protection

It is a gift to raise children with as few noes as possible. Yes, to exploring the world and
stretching into new territories. But the word “no” is powerful and deeply protective.
Children rely on limits to stay safe and define the boundaries within which they can

safely explore. The carefully balanced use of yeses and noes encourages and protects
your child. This guidance will teach them to intuitively steer a wide berth away from the
rocks.

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I choose to be a Lighthouse Parent. . . I’ll look into the waves and trust they’ll
learn to ride them . . .

Building Resilience and Commitment to Thriving

Central to a child’s security is our trust in their ability to learn to navigate choppy, if not
turbulent, waters. Raising children to be resilient in the face of challenges has great
value, but our goal is to raise children prepared to thrive. Modeling how we respond to
the unforeseeable elements of our lives and manage inevitable frustrations shows our
children how they, too, might handle uncertainty. Demonstrating that we often grow
stronger when recovering from mistakes or withstanding challenges – and that we
choose to experience joy even during difficult times – prepares them to thrive.

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I choose to be a Lighthouse Parent . . . I am committed to prepare them to do so.

Preparation as Protection

There is nothing more sacred than protecting vulnerable children. But as they grow, we
need to protect them in a different way. Over protection backfires because it
communicates that we don't think they can do it on their own. To fight your
overprotective impulses, know two things: 1) Preparation for the future is long term
protection; 2) Children who make their mistakes under adults’ watchful eyes can recover
and course correct.

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I choose to be a Lighthouse Parent . . . I’ll remain a source of light they can seek
whenever they need a safe and secure return.

Reliability

Our children may pull away from us and make some unwise decisions or even serious
mistakes. We can restore our relationships and bring our children back to reconnect
with their better and wiser selves when we root our actions in the knowledge of all that
is good and right about them. Shedding the light on their strengths makes a difference
every day. But it may be transformational when you refuse to waver in seeing who they
really are even during their darkest moments.

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Critical thought: Even the strongest families can’t prevent their children from
experiencing problems.

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Stand by your child and teen when problems arise. The strength of your presence, depth of your caring, and commitment to support your child
will make the difference in them successfully navigating through challenging times.

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This piece is adapted from Lighthouse Parenting: Raising Your Child with Loving guidance for a Lifelong Bond by Dr. Ken Ginsburg.

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