Supporting Independence on the journey towards lifelong interdependence

We naturally prepare our adolescents to navigate this world independently.

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But an over-focus on independence is a departure from the way we have lived over the millennia.  We exist best in supportive units—families and communities – with the generations benefitting from one another.  So, as we raise our adolescents to be independent, we mustn’t confuse that with hoping that they will journey the world alone. We want them to have the skills and confidence to handle life’s complexities, but also to conclude that they will live best when they choose interdependence in the years to come. 

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Let’s highlight a few key parenting practices that may make it more likely your child will choose to be interdependent with you over their lifetime.

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Parental love must be unconditional and unwavering.

‍We love so that our children know they are worthy of being loved. Authentically unconditional love is so rare that the connection between people sharing this type of love is enduring.

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Know your teen as few others could.

‍Adolescents try on so many different hats in various settings that it is easy to lose their core identity. You are irreplaceable because you have knowledge of who your child really is. 

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We should enjoy each other.

‍Create good lasting memories. Enjoy the little things life offers together. Create a habit of sharing those moments and both you and your teen or tween will want them to continue.  

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We must be warm but not act as friends.

Your teen needs your unwavering presence even if/when you don’t like what they are doing. Friendships come and go in childhood, and especially during the tween years. Adolescents may feel forced to do what it takes to fit in with friends. They fear losing their friends. Your relationship as a parent is critically needed because it is more secure than any friendship.  

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We should value how our teens add to our lives.

‍When teens feel like a burden or source of stress, they’ll be driven to relieve you of that perceived burden. Instead, let your teen know all the ways they add value and meaning to your life. 

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We should see teens as the experts in their own lives.

‍Helping them realize that you see them as best understanding their own lives, takes away the fear that their thoughts, feelings, or behaviors will be brushed aside. They’ll partner with you to make decisions, now and for years to come.

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We should guide, not dictate.

Guides are welcome in our lives. Nobody likes to be told what to do. Your teen will forever remember whether their own views were heard. 

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We should honor their growing independence.

‍When parents support their teen’s inevitable progress toward independence, they appreciate their backing. Once they can confidently stand on their own, they will choose to have someone standing alongside them. When parents thwart independence, adolescents choose to keep their lives private and will be more likely to choose to go it alone as adults. 

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We should avoid installing control buttons.

Adults need to be able to make decisions on their own. When parents install control buttons during adolescence, by telling them what to do and disrupting developing independence, adult children may limit their presence and choose to withhold information from them. 

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We should support recovery after temporary failures.

‍When parents treat failures as catastrophic or to be avoided at all costs, adult children may learn to share only their successes. When failure is seen as a growth opportunity, less of our real lives must be hidden. 

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We should express concerns about anything that compromises safety.‍

It is our job to prevent irreparable harm. Adolescents appreciate feeling protected. Our adult children will likely want to continue to include people in their lives that care for their well-being. 

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This piece is adapted from Congrats You’re having a Teen! Strengthen Your Family and Raise a Good person by Dr. Ken Ginsburg.

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