Restoring and Reaffirming Your Relationship with Your Teen

The tension between parents’ need to keep their children safe and adolescents’ need to explore their limits sometimes boils over in even the strongest families. 

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In fact, precisely because adolescents feel secure with us, they may release their outside frustrations within our homes. Resolving these tensions while demonstrating our love is unshakeable makes our relationships more secure. 

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Below are strategies to restore your relationship after it has been challenged.

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Have really high yield time.  

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‍After you and your teen have had heated discussions or you've averted a crisis or managed a behavioral concern, get back to just being together. Your teen may fear that every time they’re with you, the focus will be on hard topics. There will be a time and a space for that, but first  reinforce that no problem is greater than your love. You might say “Let’s just go and ___________, I promise not a word about the problem.  Let’s just be together.”  

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Fall back in (unconditional) Love.  

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It’s not easy to be unconditionally loving when you’re worried or angry. Remember loving is not liking. Get past this temporary feeling to ensure your relationship is maintained during these moments.

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Your love is the most protective force in your teen’s life.  Knowing you know who they really are is the very best chance your teen has to return to their better self while managing current stressors.  

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As you take that breath, remind yourself that it is the depth of your love that makes you feel so fully – even to be so angry.  You can fully reject the behavior, while never giving up on your teen.  On the other side of this crisis may be a strengthened relationship because your child has turned to you to remind themselves who they are and restore their motivation – and their confidence - to right themselves.  

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Always make it clear trust can be rebuilt.

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‍Teens must never feel they have nothing left to lose. “My parents don’t trust me anyway.  I may as well live my life and do what I want.” This justification can lead to dangerous behaviors and a full rejection of household rules. It can lead to depression because they felt as though they had lost their parent’s love and anxiety for fear that they could never get it back.  Other teens believe their parents stopped noticing the smaller issues and escalate their negative behaviors to regain attention.  

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You must never lower your expectations, because your adolescent needs you to continue to believe in their potential for growth. Your child must never feel they have already lost your respect or belief that they are a good person.  

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Yes, sometimes our confidence in our children is shaken and our trust is tested.  But we never stop loving them or knowing who they really are.  We always leave a path open for them to fully regain our trust.  

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My goal is for you to become the good person I know you are destined to be. To get there, you will make mistakes as we all do. These mistakes do not define you or make me love you even the slightest bit less. But it is my job to protect and prepare you, and sometimes that involves discipline or careful monitoring. You have temporarily made it so I need to monitor you more closely and support your wise decision-making. The goal is for you to learn from this experience and be able to manage these situations better in the future.

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Remember that healthy family relationships are training grounds for all human interactions.  Never question whether your relationship is worth the investment it takes to restore it to health.  What could matter more? 

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This piece is adapted from Congrats You’re having a Teen! Strengthen Your Family and Raise a Good person by Dr. Ken Ginsburg.