Why Teens May (Temporarily) Push Their Parents Away

During the few short years of adolescence, we must transform from being fully taken care of to being able to care for ourselves and others. 

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Being capable of independence doesn’t mean you should stand on your own.  We adults know that the happiest people have interdependent lives with others they choose to hold close. But a person will most comfortably choose to include others in their life if they are confident they needn’t be fully dependent on anyone but themselves. Teens haven’t gained that confidence yet. 

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Remember this: You can do everything right and your adolescent may still temporarily push you away.  Hear the word temporarily and draw comfort from it.  When your teen is confidently standing on their own, they will then seek the loving interdependence we all desire.

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Why Teens (Temporarily) Reject Parents

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There may be painful moments when it feels like your adolescent is rejecting you. Those are the “what happened to my little girl” moments when our teens behave disrespectfully, subtly push us away, or even shun us. The same child who loved hugs a year ago may seem uncomfortable when you get too close or embarrassed by your presence.  You, like many parents before you, may have to learn to turn invisible in public, or at the least to park a block away from school.  Breathe. The reason our teens push us away is because of how much they love us and wish we could remain close. Really.  (Now wipe away those tears if you’d like.)

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Preparing to Leave the Nest

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Imagine a baby bird in a warm nest lined with fluffy feathers. All the little bird must do is open their mouth or chirp and the parent birds bring them juicy worms. Life is easy and predictable. (Childhood) Then, brain puberty signals that soon they’re going to need to leave that nest. After a bit of a panic, they begin to imagine what it will be like to first stretch, then flap those wings and ultimately fly away. They look at that fluffy nest and realize that it is a bit prickly. They look at those reliable birds and realize they’d rather feed themselves – and could (darn it!). In fact, they begin to find the way the parent birds do things unnecessary, and quite embarrassing. (The tweens and early teens). A few years later, when the flight from the nest draws nearer, they look at the nest and realize that it is more than just prickly. It is uninhabitable. (Second semester of senior year of high school.) Understand this:  If they thought the nest was still cozy, they’d never fly.

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A Developmental Leap

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Leaving the nest is jarring. Foolish, and perhaps unwise. “Why would I leave all of this comfort and predictability…for the unknown?” For teens to take such a large developmental leap and separate from us they must move through the (temporary!) phase of believing that they really don’t need us.

If we react to, rather than understand, what is going on, we might damage our relationship. If we get too deeply hurt, we may reject our children. If we deny them the space they need to stretch their wings, they will become so uncomfortable they will push us further away.

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Instead, stay steadfast. Avoid hovering. Stay unconditionally loving, even if you get little in return. Remain available, despite being told you are no longer needed. No matter what they might say, if you play your cards right, they’ll come to you when they most need you. Know that your teen is pushing you away to create the space where they can more clearly find themselves. Your trust that they will like who they find remains the most positive and influential force in their life.

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After this phase passes, your relationship will be more mature and grow to be more mutual. That new stronger relationship will last a lifetime.

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This piece is adapted from Congrats You’re having a Teen! Strengthen Your Family and Raise a Good person by Dr. Ken Ginsburg.