Being a Guide in Your Teen’s Journey

The teen years are when people must learn to stand on their own. 

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‍Your role is to support their growing independence by serving as a guide along their journey. A guide doesn’t clear the path, they light it. A guide doesn’t supply the answers, they ask the right questions.  A guide listens more than they talk.  A guide is allowed to know where the destination leads but acts as a sounding board to allow the person to generate their own ideas and then helps them to shape solutions.  

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A parent who acts as a guide recognizes that their child or teen is the expert in their own life.  “They’re the expert!!  They’re so young.  What about me?!?”  Seeing your child as the expert in their own life doesn’t mean you think they know more than you. You have the wisdom of years, but they know best how they navigate their lives. When teens are seen as experts on themselves (and their friends, school, etc.), they will be more likely to include you in their lives because they know they are seen as partners. They’ll work with you to develop the plans intended to keep them safe and lead them to be successful.

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This approach to parenting – being a guide – is critical to building an enduring relationship with your teen. 

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Adolescents push adults away who feel controlling or overprotective.  If you say, “Let me do that for you.” they’ll receive – and resent – the message that suggests they can’t do it on their own.  If you say, “Do it my way, I know best!” they’ll feel belittled and reject any directives that feel like interference or domination.  You want your child to see you as a guide with lived experience and earned wisdom, but who recognizes they, too, have valid thoughts and experiences. Then, they’ll welcome your guidance, now, and far into the future.

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I choose to be a Lighthouse Parent. A stable force on the shoreline from which my child can measure themself against. I’ll send my signals in a way they will choose to trust. I’ll look down at the rocks to be sure they don’t crash against them. I’ll look into the waves and trust they’ll learn to ride them, but I am committed to prepare them to do so. I’ll remain a source of light they can seek whenever they need a safe and secure return

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This piece is adapted from Congrats You’re having a Teen! Strengthen Your Family and Raise a Good person by Dr. Ken Ginsburg.

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