What If I’m Not Lighthouse Parenting or My Parenting Partner(s) Disagree?

We know that children raised in families that apply balanced parenting (Lighthouse Parenting!) have greater academic success, higher levels of emotional well-being, fewer behavioral risks, and reduced emotional distress.  They also communicate in a way that can strengthen families.

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You likely already practice a lot of the strategies of Lighthouse Parenting.  Good news: You’re a committed parent already.  Otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading a piece on how to be an effective parent! But we can all strengthen our parent-child relationships and our level of positive influence as we guide our children in the journey towards adulthood.   It’s never too early to think through your approach to parenting, nor is it ever too late to make positive changes in your family relationships.

Apply Your Wisdom on This Journey

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I hope that you use this opportunity to reflect on the kind of parent you want to be and to initiate discussions with other caring adults.  Lighthouse parenting is about striking the right balance in your child's life between the expressions of your caring and the actions you take to keep your child safe. Only you and other caregivers can understand what safety means in your community and among your child’s peers.  Only you can take general ideas and apply them in a way that fits your child’s nature. Some children need more protection, while others need encouragement to take the chance to stretch just a little bit further into new territory.

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Why you should shift away from other parenting styles

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[You can read this article for an overview on different parenting styles.]
The styles with less balance have their strengths but also can lead to problems.
Children raised by authoritarian parents tend to be well-behaved, until they can slip past the rules. Some children raised by authoritarian parents may feel ill-prepared to make their own choices.  Perhaps most damaging in the long-terms, some of them may seek relationships with controlling people because they have grown to expect being controlled.   [Note: The styles, such as helicopter parenting, where parents are overprotective or highly demanding, such as “tiger parenting,” have authoritarian tendencies.]

Children raised by permissive parents feel loved but crave limits. They worry about disappointing their parents when they make mistakes and have higher levels of anxiety, perhaps because they fear they will lose their “friends.”    Although these parents care deeply about open communication, their children may not include them in serious discussions because of fear of letting their parents down.   [Note: The styles where parents are encouraged to give lots of freedom to their children have permissive tendencies.]
Children raised by disengaged parents often have the most concerning outcomes. They may interpret their parents’ emotional distance as a choice to remain uninvolved. These young people have the highest rates of misbehavior.  This may be because they are acting out to generate the kind of crises that will gain their parents’ attention.

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Key Points on Why and How to Balance Out Your Style

Our love is most meaningful and protective when our children know how deeply we care about them. The limits we set are most closely followed when children know we monitor them not to control them but to keep them safe.
Children more comfortably follow rules when they know we encourage them to stretch into new territory when prepared to do so. They appreciate parents who are responsive to their needs and attentive to their development rather than remaining rigid. Responsive parents reward displays of responsibility with increased privileges. Notice your child’s progress and link it to responsive limits. “You have done so well with ___________, that I think you are ready to have even more responsibility. Do you think you can handle _____________now?”
If your child pushes limits and takes unwise chances, your boundaries need to be stricter, and your monitoring needs to be tighter. Young people appreciate it when we hold them accountable for their behavior. It reminds them that we know their potential, hold high expectations, and will take necessary steps to protect them.

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If your child is in danger, your guidance should be given with urgency. Your firm boundaries and clear warnings may be needed to help them stay safe within an unsafe world. Acting with a clear sense of urgency does not make you an authoritarian parent if your child knows you are setting protective boundaries because you care.

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Lighthouse parents openly communicate so their children include them in their lives. Your child or tween wants your guidance and appreciates your supervision to keep them safe. Your adolescent want independence and does not want to feel controlled. But they also want to be safe.  They will include you in their lives when your boundaries are about safety and your guidance supports them to act wisely while thinking more independently.  

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Build New Parenting Strengths
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A starting place for building new parenting strengths is to recognize what you are already doing well, while being open to making some beneficial shifts.  
Let’s consider your parenting strengths.

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If you currently lean authoritarian, you are commited to being involved in your child’s life and ensuring safe, appropriate behavior.
If you currently lean permissive, you care about having a warm, close relationship with your child that is rooted in trust.
If you are often disengaged, you know that children learn from life lessons and respect that to gain confidence they must learn to recover from their mistakes.

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No matter your current parenting approach, embrace your cultural strengths and your community values.
Using all these strengths, strive to build communication skills and parenting strategies that will balance warmth, watchfulness, and responsiveness.  
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Adding balance to an authoritarian style

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You’ll better meet your parenting goals if your child knows your actions are driven by your love for them and your resolve to keep them safe. Keep watching closely but connect your caring to why you’re fiercely protective. Let your child know you are holding them accountable because you expect them to be a good person. Don’t worry that you will lose influence.  In fact, you will have more authority over their behaviors because your guidance and protection will be better understood and therefore welcomed.
Adding balance to a permissive style

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Stay loving and trusting but make your child’s life easier and more predictable by setting, explaining, and monitoring appropriate limits.  Remember clear boundaries offer more not less room to stretch because children can safely explore within the limits we’ve set. Remember that a “no” motivated by the desire to protect your child is a caring act.  Avoid the language of “friendship” because that triggers a psychological fear of disappointing or losing you.  You are a parent, a stable part of their life . . . always.
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Adding balance to a disengaged style

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Stay committed to children learning from the real world. Engaged parents don’t diminish life lessons, they ensure their children grow from them. Balanced parents allow failures but encourage learning how to bounce back and recover. Further, Lighthouse parents encourage their children to stretch into new territory – but prepare them to do so.

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Encourage Other Adults to be Lighthouses for Your Child

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You may be sharing parenting responsibilities with other adults with very different beliefs about childrearing. This can be a source of frustration within well-functioning homes.  In parenting scenarios where adults don’t agree on many things, for example after a divorce or separation, it can be a source of hostility.  Frustration and anger will not help you come to agreement and can create instability and discomfort for your child. A starting point, therefore, is to manage your feelings by understanding that the other adults’ intentions are to do what they believe works best for your child. From there, nudge them toward a lighthouse approach by first recognizing the strengths of their current parenting approach (as described above). Then, ask them to consider how they could add balance to their current approach.  Consider sharing these materials so they can learn both about their existing strengths and the benefit of adding balance to their approach.

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This piece is adapted from Lighthouse Parenting: Raising Your Child with Loving guidance for a Lifelong Bond by Dr. Ken Ginsburg.

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