What is Meant by Parenting Style?

Lighthouse Parenting is the action plan to apply “balanced-parenting” an approach that longstanding cultural experience and decades of research has demonstrated can strengthen families and offer meaningful benefits for children and teens.

Balanced parenting is one of the parenting styles originally described in the 1960s by Dr. Diana Baumrind, a distinguished developmental psychologist. Parenting
style is basically the approach taken to raising children. These approaches can be deeply influenced by the way we were parented, by our cultural strengths and by the
environments and communities we live in. Noone is stuck in a style and learning how the different styles affect our relationships with our children and their emotional well-
being, behaviors, and academic success can empower us to add key beneficial elements to our own style.

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The description of parenting styles described by Dr. Baumrind looked at the interplay between how parents expressed their warmth for their child, how responsive
(flexible) they were to meet their changing developmental needs, and how much they set and monitored rules and limitations.

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Balanced parenting is generally referred to as “authoritative parenting” in research studies.

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The 4 parenting styles:

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Let’s consider how the interplay of these forces creates 4 parenting styles. Which
sounds most like you? [Please pause on the word “most.” None of us fit into a box.
We all can add positive parenting practices that enable us to draw from the strengths of
any of the other styles.]

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• “My house, my rules” “You’ll do what I say. Why? Because I said so!”
• “I couldn’t always speak to my parents. I hope you think of me as a friend and feel
  comfortable coming to me. We’ll spend time together and I want to be a good role
  model for you. I trust you to make your own decisions.”
• “Kids will be kids. I turned out OK. They will too. I’ll get involved if they get into
  serious trouble.”
• “I love you. I’m not your friend; I am your parent. I’m going to let you make mistakes,
  because we grow from our mistakes, but if something might affect your safety, you’ll
  do as I say. My job is to keep you safe and stand by you as you grow into your best
  self.”

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"You’ll do what I say. Why? Because I said so!" This is called authoritarian parenting.

It focuses on rules but not on expressions of warmth. Parents who approach parenting
this way want their children to be obedient. Its strength is that children know their
parents are paying attention to them and monitoring their behaviors.

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“I couldn’t always speak to my parents. I hope you think of me as a friend and feel comfortable coming to me. We’ll spend time together and I want to be a good role model for you. I trust you to make your own decisions.” This is called permissive parenting.

These parents are warm and express their love. Permissive-style parents
worry that monitoring or enforcing limits could harm their relationships. They also tend
to avoid conflicts, prioritize trust, and will give their children a lot of room to make their
own decisions. The strength of this approach is that family members tend to have warm
relationships.

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“Kids will be kids. I turned out OK. They will too. I’ll get involved if they get into serious trouble.” This is called disengaged parenting.

Disengaged parents rarely express their feelings to their children and don’t monitor them closely or set many rules. They may be
experiencing other stressors and therefore get involved only during crisis situations
where they step in to tell their children what they must do. The strength of this
approach is that it allows independence and enables children to learn life lessons. (But
remember that children will consistently learn life lessons better with adult reflection and
more confidently become independent with guidance.)

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“I love you. I’m not your friend; I am your parent. I’m going to let you make
mistakes, because we grow from our mistakes, but if something might affect your
safety, you’ll do as I say. My job is to keep you safe and stand by you as you grow into your best self.”

This is called balanced parenting (or Lighthouse Parenting!). Parents who use this style
are loving and express warmth. They set clear limitations and monitor their rules to
protect their children. They notice and are responsive to their children’s developing
strengths and allow them to expand their boundaries as they demonstrate that they can
handle new privileges. Among its many strengths are that lighthouse families have the
closest relationships and openly communicate.

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Other parenting styles are less effective than Lighthouse Parenting

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The styles with less balance have their strengths but also can lead to problems.
Children raised by authoritarian parents tend to be well-behaved, until they can slip past
the rules. Some children raised by authoritarian parents may feel ill-prepared to make
their own choices. Perhaps most damaging in the long-terms, some of them may seek
relationships with controlling people because they have grown to expect being
controlled. Children raised by permissive parents feel loved but crave limits. They worry
about disappointing their parents when they make mistakes and have higher levels of
anxiety, perhaps because they fear they will lose their “friends.” Sadly, although these
parents care deeply about open communication, their children may not include them in
serious discussions because of fear of letting their parents down. Children raised by
disengaged parents often have the most concerning outcomes. They may interpret their
parents’ emotional distance as a choice to remain uninvolved. These young people have the highest rates of misbehavior. This may be because they are acting out to
generate the kind of crisis that will gain their parents’ attention.

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We know that Lighthouse Parenting creates the balance that offers children the
knowledge they are loved, the security they seek, and the guidance they need.
Balance. It makes sense that children and teens raised with this kind of parenting style
are emotionally healthier, engage in fewer risk behaviors, and communicate most
openly with their adult caregivers. The good news about “balance” is that you can come
closer to achieving it no matter your starting point. Read What if I'm Not Lighthouse
parenting to learn more.

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This piece is adapted from Lighthouse Parenting: Raising Your Child with Loving guidance for a Lifelong Bond by Dr. Ken Ginsburg.

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