Will Your Teen Come to You When They Need You the Most?

We all want warm and loving relationships with our children. 

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We want to share pleasant times with them.  We hope to offer them the guidance that will prepare them to navigate the world on their own. But our presence will be critical when they are most stressed or dealing with challenges that if not handled will harm their emotional, mental, or physical health.  Consider these key tips on how to build the kind of relationship that will make it more likely your adolescent will seek your support when they most need your guidance.

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Before you read on, remember this:  Wonderful parents cannot prevent all problems.  They show up when their children are suffering and stand by them.  They ensure their adolescents see a professional when they deserve that level of support. 

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Your teen must know that you have bandwidth.

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Adolescents care deeply about their parents’ well-being and will go to great lengths to not burden you if they sense you've got too much going on. Help them understand that even if you have other burdens, you will always make room for them. Communicate that when they try to spare you by withholding important information, it prevents you from doing what is most important to you- parenting them.  

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Critically, demonstrate that you either have or will make the bandwidth to meet their needs. Demonstrate you prioritize self-care, whether through exercise, relaxation, or creative expression. Let them see that you reach out to others for support. Let them know that when something is added to your plate you reach out for support so you can shoulder more. Taking care of yourself is not selfish, it is a strategic act of good parenting.  

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Your teen must know you will listen first.  

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‍Listening is how to learn what is going on in your teen’s life.  Until recently, we encouraged parents to ask lots of questions. The who, what, where, when, and whys parents asked defined involved parenting. Over time we’ve realized that it’s not what we ask — it’s what we know.  Teens choose to share more with parents who listen to them than they do with ones who delve into their lives or demand answers.  Create safe, attentive, listening spaces for your teen to fill with their stories. 

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Withhold strong reactions that shut down communication. 

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‍When we react strongly, people stop sharing what they think will make us uncomfortable or angry. Don’t jump to the rescue before teens complete their thoughts. Don’t turn something into a catastrophe that needn't be. This is hard.  Breathe.  Create space and then return to the conversation.  Surprisingly, too much empathy can backfire. When you over empathize or take on your child’s pain, they may shut down communication out of fear that they’re hurting you.   Bottom line: Once again it’s about listening . . . instead of reacting. 

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Your teen must see you as a guide rather than a director.

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A parent’s role is to support their adolescent’s growing independence by serving as a guide along their journey. A guide doesn’t clear the path, they light it.  A parent who acts as a guide recognizes their teen is the expert in their own life.  This doesn’t mean you think they know more than you. You have the wisdom of years, but they know best how they navigate their lives. When teens are seen as experts on themselves (and their friends, school, etc.), they will be more likely to include you in their lives because they know they are seen as partners. They’ll work with you to develop plans to keep them safe and lead them towards success.

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Your teen must not fear negative judgement. 

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‍Teens’ fear of being judged by us may limit communication. Even when we are not interacting directly with our teens, they remain aware of our views and especially our critical opinions.  They pick up on every clue about how we feel. They observe your reactions to others in their world (e.g., teachers, neighbors, their friends, your spouse, siblings) and may choose to avoid similar reactions from you.  This is one of the reasons divisive language in our culture harms our teens.

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Our steady nonjudgmental presence is key to allowing teens to comfortably express whatever is on their minds. They must know we are paying attention and have only their well-being on our mind.  This means that it can't seem as if we are listening only to wait for pauses so we can add our own opinions.  

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Be careful with positive judgement (AKA praise). 

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‍When you praise, you are still passing judgment, even if that judgment is good. To the highly sensitive teenager, praise may be interpreted as “I need to do this to please my parent, otherwise, I will disappoint them.” This could prevent them from sharing with you the details of their lives they think will disappoint you. Praise never backfires when we focus on how pleased we are that our children are telling us what is going on. “I am so proud of you today for _________.  Always know that I value being included in your life whether things are going well or not.”  In other words, focus on being happy that they are sharing their life with you. 

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Being a friend backfires. 

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Being our children’s friends feels like a solid strategy to draw them closer. The challenge is that it might draw them nearer for the moment, but it won't keep them closer. 

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Adolescence is about answering the hardest question life offers us: “Who am I?”  Two other questions also burn in your adolescent’s mind “Am I normal?” and “Do I fit in?” Adolescence might involve a great deal of shape-shifting to try to fit in. 

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Adolescent friendships are powerful and can be a positive and affirming force in young lives. But they’re not always reliable and can be painfully judgmental.  In fact, some of the hardest moments of adolescence involve changing friendships. Adolescents spend a great deal of emotional energy thinking about what it takes to keep their friends. 

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Your child must never worry that disappointing you - or even messing up badly - will fracture your relationship. Adolescents live in fear of being rejected by their friends. Your child must never fear being rejected by you. If you position yourself as a friend, your child may shield you from knowing what they might be going through for fear of disappointing, or even losing, you.

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This piece is adapted from Congrats You’re having a Teen! Strengthen Your Family and Raise a Good person by Dr. Ken Ginsburg.

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